My name is Benjamin Lefkowitz. You can call me Ben. I’m seven years old, and I live with my Mommy and Daddy in Larchmont, New York. I have a big sister Julie and a baby brother Adam.
Mommy and Daddy are doctors. They met in doctor school. Daddy is Jewish and Mommy is Catholic. Julie, Adam and me are Jewish cause Mommy took us to the magic bath. Mommy wouldn’t get in because her Mommy would cry if she got in. Nana Maria and Poppy Mario live in Rome. We went there for Christmas and had spaghetti.
In the summer I visited Saba and Grandma on Cape Cod all by myself. It was fun.
Saba says Daddy doesn’t tell me anything about being Jewish, so he’s gonna do it himself. He reads me a book called “Sayings of Our Fathers”, except he calls it “Sayings of Our Grandfathers”. I told him the book says, “Fathers”, but he keeps calling it “Grandfathers”. I told him I can read books without pictures, but he keeps making up words. We read who is strong. Saba said that a long time ago, when the Romans were beating-up us Jews, we said if the Romans are strong outside, we will be strong inside. Saba says that when it’s time to go to bed I should be strong inside and not scream and yell. We read about who is rich. Saba says that when the Romans took all our stuff, we were still rich and they weren’t cause we had enough and they didn’t. Saba says I have enough toys.
Saba says he made a big mistake. He forgot to teach Daddy the poem that Moses said every Jew has to memorize by heart. Moses said that everyone has to learn the poem in case they get fat and lazy and forget to be Jewish. And on that day, boom! No more strong. No more rich.
Saba says Daddy is a good man. When Daddy went to Haiti to help the sick babies, Saba said he was so proud he cried. Saba said that Daddy acts like a good Jew, but he doesn’t connect dots. I said Daddy can so connect dots, and Saba laughed. He said Daddy doesn’t connect the special dots about where you come from. He said we Jews have a tradition of helping others. Saba said Daddy remembered to go to Haiti, he just forgot to draw the line from one dot to the other dot. I asked Saba if Catholics went to Haiti too. Daddy said all religions teach us to help each other. That’s why he’s angry at Daddy, cause he won’t teach me my religion.
My sister Julie wants to have a Bat Mitzvah. Mommy said maybe, but Daddy said no way. I told Saba and he yelled at Grandma to tell her son to get with some program. Saba’s angry. Grandma’s upset. Mommy told me to leave her alone. No one wants to talk to Daddy. I asked Julie if Daddy changed his mind, but she slammed her door and hasn’t come out for hours. I wish I could go to Haiti or something.
Author’s Notes:
Experts tell us that as many as half of all Jews in the United States are choosing non-Jewish partners. I wanted to imagine intermarriage from the inside. The more I wrote, the more issues came up. I’d welcome your comments on the blog to some of the following questions:
What is the future of Judaism in the United States? Is intermarriage the end of non-Orthodox Judaism?
Are Jewish men good Jewish fathers? Is American Judaism becoming female dominated?
Does the American Jewish community welcome the supportive non-Jewish spouse?
Can this family ever be harmonious?
Many American Jews have lived their lives based upon Jewish values without acknowledging Judaism as a personal source. Does it matter?
Beautiful, beautiful story. It made my heart ache. At least the lad has a Saba who cares about his Jewish roots!
Art,
Wonderful letter and even better questions. I’m proposing to my dwindling MC that we use this as a first in series of HMV program. Gene
It hits home for too many people. The Jewish spouse is afraid to impose their religious upbringing on their children for fear of offending their spouse, when every family, if it is to be brought up with a religious heritage, needs to choose one. From your story, it would appear that the wife is willing to consider something, rather than nothing, which the father is afraid of saying yes to.
A very close cousin who just spent a number of days with us, has a daughter who married a very nice man who is Catholic (and of Italian ancestry). The ceremony had some of the traditional trappings of Jewish weddings, chupah, a cantor officiating, and the breaking of the glass, but he didn’t convert, nor did the bride insist. They’ve recently had their first child, a beautiful daughter, and the mother has joined a reform temple and is having a baby naming soon. It will be interesting as this couple’s lives enfold, to see how much of a Jewish family both the partners choose.
If Jewish men have discussed the reality of raising children and what kind of religious values and heritage they want to bring those children to -PRIOR to the wedding, it would save a great many heartaches later. Jewish partners can be both good partners and good Jews by addressing these issues before the children arrive, rather than anguishing about how the other partner might think when they want to raise their children with a particular religious heritage.
This is psychologically very damaging to young children and this type of highly dysfunctional behavior can only serve to drive people further away from their religious heritage. To tell a 7 year old child that their father is wrong in what he believes and thinks? I am unsure what your editor was thinking when they approved this for publication?? The behavior exhibited by the Grandfather in the story is exactly what drives people away from religion. It is bullying and immature and lacks any sort of spiritual foundation. This is not a way to introduce a young child to their rich heritage. Seriously, you should spend more time analyzing what you allow to be published. Frankly, I plan to unsubscribe from Mentshen after reading this
It is really sad that you promote such dysfunctional behavior.
Steven, You are correct that there is much dysfunctional behavior in this family. In writing this, my only goal is create characters and behavior that portray what I see happening in the real world. The world isn’t always a happy place. I’m sorry you’ve been offended. What constructive criticism would you offer the grandfather if you met him?
Art
Very well done.
Life is, as your response to Dr (?) Tucker informs, a jumble.
We all are who we are and our rsponses to life and to the needs of our children (and our spouses and even ourselves) are not always rational, linear responses.
Sometimes we think it through, really think it through, and then we go on to make a mess.
The chaotic, ethically excellent, angry, ambivalent, teaching by example, and so many other polar oposite descriptions are who we are.
Or, as God might have said to the angels, “Look at this diverse creature I have created – brimming with contradictions and possibilities.
“Let’s take the risk and see what happens.”
Meanwhile, there is this old New Yorker cartoon: A man dies, goes to heaven and is standing on a cloud, looking around, saying, “Am I in Heaven or is this Larchmont.”
Thanks for a small tip of the hat.
Harvey Braunstein
Larchmont, NY – a nice place to live, indeed
Excited to meet up with you this shabbat through my good friend
Stan Greenspan.
Dearest Arther,
I deeply appreciated your words of gratitude re my late beloved husband Rabbi Samuel Schafler for his support and caring for his ‘Kinderlach’ as he called you during our sixteen years at TGP in Flushing,
sara schafler-kelman
Our “baby” daughter who is now 27 has been to Jewish camp, to Israel, is knowledgeable both religiously and politically and has almost always dated Jewish boys, then men — until now. We’ve always celebrated Shabbos at home, went to shul.
She’s in love with and now living with a marvelous young man who’s not Jewish nor religiously inclined at all. They have mezzuzim in their house, she’s still reasonably observant.
Marriage is the 900 pound gorilla. I haven’t had the opportunity (read balls) to discuss this. It’s ripping me apart. I blame myself, but irrationally, because I don’t know what I would have done differently.
They’ll be visiting us next month. This time, I really, really, really plan to talk to them. I just hope that if I do I’m smart enough to listen, too.